Thursday, 12 April 2012
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Wednesday, 22 February 2012
A novel update
That was a terrible joke...
I've been doing more writing today and so I thought I'd post it up on here. There are lots of errors and it needs fleshing out a lot but my laptop is making odd noises and I don't want everything to get lost.
Chapter 1
Walking was the only way he could clear his head of all thoughts of her. It had only been two weeks, but with feelings so unbearable he walked. He walked and walked and walked. Feeble remnants of summer crackled under foot as his pace slowed to a shuffle and the winter wind grated against his pale skin. Twisted, skeletal trees reached outwards towards the sky, begging for warmth and the chance to once again flourish.
The snow was thick this year; A freezing womb was the only comfort he had, keeping his heart in stasis until the day when it finally thawed. Pablo, a troubled man, had recently been left by a woman who he loved dearly. With a shock so sudden and abrupt he had slowly slid into a state of self pity and woe. His recent days had been spent staring down empty pint glass after empty pint glass, as so many do in such a situation. Beer helped to speed up the days and cigarettes filled the chasm in his chest. Often, he would find himself staggering through the forests near his home in a drunken stupor, trying to find some kind of meaning in himself. This evening was such a time.
Tiring now, he pulled himself between the trees. The cold had made his limbs unresponsive and his legs could barely hold him any more. His heart was palpitating like a jack hammer and his eyes became heavy. He was ready for this, ready for the earth to reclaim him. He dropped to his knees and his head fell into his hands. Just as his consciousness began to leave him he felt hands through his hair; a touch so soft, so delicate, but it could not be.
Somewhere inside him he found the energy to raise his head and to such disbelief she was there. He had died, he must have; she had made up her mind that they were finished but yet now, she had returned. He traced the features of her face; eyes so deep and full of thought, a beautiful oaken brown. Her hair so long and full of volume, coiled around her shoulders like stunning black ribbons embracing her skull.
With a quivering jaw he began to speak “So-Sophia…Is tha-…Is that really y-you?”
She did not reply to his inquiry and simply turned around and began to walk away, deeper into the forest. He hauled himself up off his haunches with new found vitality and vigour and made his way after his love. Above, the wind cut through the clouds and they began to bleed glacial pearls across the landscape. Below, Sophias’ tender whispers snaked through the foliage, slithering into his ears and plaguing his mind.
Staggering, he made his way flailing through the forest, bumping into trees and tripping over foliage. Thorns from bushes were catching and tearing on his clothes but with such determination and a body numb from the cold this did not register in his mind.
“Quickly dearest, not long to go now” Each word spoken sent a shock of energy though his body, forcing him forwards.
Through what seemed like an endless maze of tree and grass he was there. Sophia stood waiting, arms outstretched.
“Come here baby, I’m so sorry” Her enchanting words pulled him closer.
Embraced so tightly, neither spoke a word for a few minutes. Time seemed to move so fast now, in comparison to the endless, slugging seconds that the past two weeks had consisted of. Slowly, he pulled himself away to admire her. Something didn’t seem completely right. Something about her, not how she looked or the way she spoke; she just didn’t feel like Sophia.
He stepped backwards and to such horror he watched as the skin on Sophias face began to boil and burst; fragments of flesh and sinew jetted outwards painting the white canvas in a deep red. Her hair greyed and twisted and as the wind caught it, was pulled upwards, peeling the skin from her scalp revealing bone that instantaneously cracked and caved in on itself.
A twisted skeletal hand reached out and clasped around Pablos wrist with such ferocity that his skin was broken. Terrified he frantically shook at her arm until a great snap jarred it from her shoulder. To great bewilderment the arm was of such a massive weight and it pulled Pablo to the floor. Writhing around in snow and the remains of such a great deception he just could not get the hand from around his wrist.
All of a sudden, the ground beneath what was now a pile of charred bones began to melt in on itself too. Pablo span his head round to gasp for air and noticed the sky, in all it’s grandeur was now bent and cracked. All colour from the earth was seeping away into this one chasm. Like some kind of magnet Sophias arm, still with a hand clenched tightly around Pablos, slowly slid into the void. Trying all he could, Pablo could not break free. He closed his eyes and let the darkness envelop him.
I've been doing more writing today and so I thought I'd post it up on here. There are lots of errors and it needs fleshing out a lot but my laptop is making odd noises and I don't want everything to get lost.
Chapter 1
Walking was the only way he could clear his head of all thoughts of her. It had only been two weeks, but with feelings so unbearable he walked. He walked and walked and walked. Feeble remnants of summer crackled under foot as his pace slowed to a shuffle and the winter wind grated against his pale skin. Twisted, skeletal trees reached outwards towards the sky, begging for warmth and the chance to once again flourish.
The snow was thick this year; A freezing womb was the only comfort he had, keeping his heart in stasis until the day when it finally thawed. Pablo, a troubled man, had recently been left by a woman who he loved dearly. With a shock so sudden and abrupt he had slowly slid into a state of self pity and woe. His recent days had been spent staring down empty pint glass after empty pint glass, as so many do in such a situation. Beer helped to speed up the days and cigarettes filled the chasm in his chest. Often, he would find himself staggering through the forests near his home in a drunken stupor, trying to find some kind of meaning in himself. This evening was such a time.
Tiring now, he pulled himself between the trees. The cold had made his limbs unresponsive and his legs could barely hold him any more. His heart was palpitating like a jack hammer and his eyes became heavy. He was ready for this, ready for the earth to reclaim him. He dropped to his knees and his head fell into his hands. Just as his consciousness began to leave him he felt hands through his hair; a touch so soft, so delicate, but it could not be.
Somewhere inside him he found the energy to raise his head and to such disbelief she was there. He had died, he must have; she had made up her mind that they were finished but yet now, she had returned. He traced the features of her face; eyes so deep and full of thought, a beautiful oaken brown. Her hair so long and full of volume, coiled around her shoulders like stunning black ribbons embracing her skull.
With a quivering jaw he began to speak “So-Sophia…Is tha-…Is that really y-you?”
She did not reply to his inquiry and simply turned around and began to walk away, deeper into the forest. He hauled himself up off his haunches with new found vitality and vigour and made his way after his love. Above, the wind cut through the clouds and they began to bleed glacial pearls across the landscape. Below, Sophias’ tender whispers snaked through the foliage, slithering into his ears and plaguing his mind.
Staggering, he made his way flailing through the forest, bumping into trees and tripping over foliage. Thorns from bushes were catching and tearing on his clothes but with such determination and a body numb from the cold this did not register in his mind.
“Quickly dearest, not long to go now” Each word spoken sent a shock of energy though his body, forcing him forwards.
Through what seemed like an endless maze of tree and grass he was there. Sophia stood waiting, arms outstretched.
“Come here baby, I’m so sorry” Her enchanting words pulled him closer.
Embraced so tightly, neither spoke a word for a few minutes. Time seemed to move so fast now, in comparison to the endless, slugging seconds that the past two weeks had consisted of. Slowly, he pulled himself away to admire her. Something didn’t seem completely right. Something about her, not how she looked or the way she spoke; she just didn’t feel like Sophia.
He stepped backwards and to such horror he watched as the skin on Sophias face began to boil and burst; fragments of flesh and sinew jetted outwards painting the white canvas in a deep red. Her hair greyed and twisted and as the wind caught it, was pulled upwards, peeling the skin from her scalp revealing bone that instantaneously cracked and caved in on itself.
A twisted skeletal hand reached out and clasped around Pablos wrist with such ferocity that his skin was broken. Terrified he frantically shook at her arm until a great snap jarred it from her shoulder. To great bewilderment the arm was of such a massive weight and it pulled Pablo to the floor. Writhing around in snow and the remains of such a great deception he just could not get the hand from around his wrist.
All of a sudden, the ground beneath what was now a pile of charred bones began to melt in on itself too. Pablo span his head round to gasp for air and noticed the sky, in all it’s grandeur was now bent and cracked. All colour from the earth was seeping away into this one chasm. Like some kind of magnet Sophias arm, still with a hand clenched tightly around Pablos, slowly slid into the void. Trying all he could, Pablo could not break free. He closed his eyes and let the darkness envelop him.
Tuesday, 21 February 2012
Monday, 20 February 2012
Sunday, 12 February 2012
Some people
are so full of shit it is unbelievable. The other week he buys me a drink as a way to say sorry for what has happened. I can see it in his eyes that he enjoys what has happened to me, what I am going through and how I am feeling. He has some sort of jealousy for what I had and he tries to subtlety put it across with his empty empathy. The one thing that really has got to me is the way he mouthed across to his sister that "I am the one that she was with" and how it isn't that any more and how they were laughing. I hate him. I fucking hate Daniel Greenaway and I would actually prefer him to be dead.
Saturday, 11 February 2012
The beginnings of a novel
I have been beginning to write a novel recently. Here is a selection of what I have come up with so far. It needs a lot more work.
Walking was the only way he could clear his head of all thoughts of her. It had only been two weeks, but with feelings so unbearable he walked. He walked and walked and walked. Feeble remnants of summer crackled under foot as his pace slowed to a shuffle and the winter wind grated against his pale skin. Twisted, skeletal trees reached outwards towards the sky, begging for warmth and the chance to once again flourish.
Tiring now, he pulled himself between the trees. The cold had made his limbs unresponsive and his legs could barely hold him any more. His heart was palpitating like a jack hammer and his eyes became heavy. He was ready for this, ready for the earth to reclaim him. He dropped to his knees and his head fell into his hands. Just as his consciousness began to leave him he felt hands through his hair; a touch so soft, so delicate, but it could not be.
Somewhere inside him he found the energy to raise his head and to such disbelief she was there. He had died, he must have; she had made up her mind that they were finished but yet now, she had returned. He traced the features of her face; eyes so deep and full of thought, a beautiful oaken brown. Her hair so long and full of volume, coiled around her shoulders like stunning black ribbons embracing her skull.
With a quivering jaw he began to speak “So-Sophia…Is tha-…Is that really y-you?”
She did not reply to his inquiry and simply turned around and began to walk away, deeper into the forest. He hauled himself up off his haunches with new found vitality and vigour and made his way after his love. Above, the wind cut through the clouds and they began to bleed glacial pearls across the landscape. Below, Sophias’ tender whispers snaked through the foliage, slithering into his ears and plaguing his mind.
Walking was the only way he could clear his head of all thoughts of her. It had only been two weeks, but with feelings so unbearable he walked. He walked and walked and walked. Feeble remnants of summer crackled under foot as his pace slowed to a shuffle and the winter wind grated against his pale skin. Twisted, skeletal trees reached outwards towards the sky, begging for warmth and the chance to once again flourish.
Tiring now, he pulled himself between the trees. The cold had made his limbs unresponsive and his legs could barely hold him any more. His heart was palpitating like a jack hammer and his eyes became heavy. He was ready for this, ready for the earth to reclaim him. He dropped to his knees and his head fell into his hands. Just as his consciousness began to leave him he felt hands through his hair; a touch so soft, so delicate, but it could not be.
Somewhere inside him he found the energy to raise his head and to such disbelief she was there. He had died, he must have; she had made up her mind that they were finished but yet now, she had returned. He traced the features of her face; eyes so deep and full of thought, a beautiful oaken brown. Her hair so long and full of volume, coiled around her shoulders like stunning black ribbons embracing her skull.
With a quivering jaw he began to speak “So-Sophia…Is tha-…Is that really y-you?”
She did not reply to his inquiry and simply turned around and began to walk away, deeper into the forest. He hauled himself up off his haunches with new found vitality and vigour and made his way after his love. Above, the wind cut through the clouds and they began to bleed glacial pearls across the landscape. Below, Sophias’ tender whispers snaked through the foliage, slithering into his ears and plaguing his mind.
Friday, 10 February 2012
Mistakes
It would be good if, for once, I could learn to control myself. I feel now I have lost someone completely due to finding it too hard to control my feelings. I should have not sent another message and let myself have some more time. I've pushed her away even further and she is probably even more hurt by me. She was in a fragile state already and I've just gone and made it worse. She is right. It is always about me no matter how hard I try. I doubt she will ever want to talk to me again. It all just seems too much. I have nothing but love for her.
Thursday, 9 February 2012
University work
I now have to blog any of the work I carry out at university. If you are interested (which I really doubt you are) then here is the link. You can see all the incredibly exciting stuff I have been getting up to!
http://paulburnsweb.blogspot.com
http://paulburnsweb.blogspot.com
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
Thoughts
Freezing fog descends
Oh how I wish to drown
In the dark coils of you.
Lifes colour
Lifes shape
Reduced to a tenebrous void.
and when the murk is finally banished
it will not be by me
But by a light far greater than mine
A hand outstretched
waiting for your heart
and you will gladly grab hold.
Oh how I wish to drown
In the dark coils of you.
Lifes colour
Lifes shape
Reduced to a tenebrous void.
and when the murk is finally banished
it will not be by me
But by a light far greater than mine
A hand outstretched
waiting for your heart
and you will gladly grab hold.
Assignment results!
I got back three out of four of my assignments today and I must say I did better than I had expected. Considering two of my assignments (The potential of technology and social networking) were completed in under a day and still managed to get 53% each I was very pleased. I was also handed back my networking assignment in which I got 68%. Very close to a first! One guy in my group wrote 10,000 words and got 72% which I still believe is unfair as he went way over the word count. Anyway, I am happy with the results and thank you miss Linney (wherever you are) for proof reading my work; I'm sure it will have got me a few more marks!
On to my anxiety, I've been in Costa twice today for cups of tea and I'm actually beginning to enjoy myself in there. The anxiety seems to have faded almost completely and it is a welcome change to sitting in a pub full of drunkards. Well that is all I have to say for now. I'm going to relax with a glass of wine before doing some more research into my new assignment, which involves exploring the history of human-computer interaction and how it has progressed from the eighties to modern day. I'm plodding on, slowly.
On to my anxiety, I've been in Costa twice today for cups of tea and I'm actually beginning to enjoy myself in there. The anxiety seems to have faded almost completely and it is a welcome change to sitting in a pub full of drunkards. Well that is all I have to say for now. I'm going to relax with a glass of wine before doing some more research into my new assignment, which involves exploring the history of human-computer interaction and how it has progressed from the eighties to modern day. I'm plodding on, slowly.
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
Barn Owl
Have just blown me away with the album "From Our Mouths A Perpetual Light" To me, the sound that came out of my speakers created an almost religious experience and at times was very similar to a lot of the work of Earth. Definitely worth listening to!
Oh and they are playing in the little atmospheric cave known as the Brudenell social club which is also quite exciting!
Oh and they are playing in the little atmospheric cave known as the Brudenell social club which is also quite exciting!
Today's counselling session
Apart from being covered from head to toe in slush courtesy of a lovely bus driver, the counselling session today went well. Tracy (The counsellor) decided that my anxiety towards dying/fainting had been reduced enough for us to focus on another one of the problems today; This problem being my self esteem and what people think of me.
We talked about me worrying that I was blushing when people say certain things and my difficulty with sitting in places like cafes. One thing that did upset me slightly today was how the counsellor told me that due to my over-active mind, people sometimes will believe that I am not listening to them. For example: Sitting at a dinner table with someone's parents. Due to the fact that I would be spending so much time planning what to say and how to respond (Instead of just talking freely) it would look as though I am in fact not interested. This combined with carrying out a post mortem of every situation afterwards leads to bad thoughts.
There are a few things that I have been told to complete for homework. One of these is to spend a lot of time in cafes this week on my own. I have been told to observe my surroundings and when people laugh to investigate and see why they are laughing. This is due to the fact that I worry that people are laughing at me. I said to Tracy though "What if they catch my eyes and think I am some weirdo looking at them?". The response she had was to just smile at them. I also need to rate how much I believed they were laughing at me in a percentage.
It would appear that the jam is not happening now and so I am going to play some guitar on my own for a little while. I think after that I am going to tear my mind up in War and Peace.
I hope she is ok.
We talked about me worrying that I was blushing when people say certain things and my difficulty with sitting in places like cafes. One thing that did upset me slightly today was how the counsellor told me that due to my over-active mind, people sometimes will believe that I am not listening to them. For example: Sitting at a dinner table with someone's parents. Due to the fact that I would be spending so much time planning what to say and how to respond (Instead of just talking freely) it would look as though I am in fact not interested. This combined with carrying out a post mortem of every situation afterwards leads to bad thoughts.
There are a few things that I have been told to complete for homework. One of these is to spend a lot of time in cafes this week on my own. I have been told to observe my surroundings and when people laugh to investigate and see why they are laughing. This is due to the fact that I worry that people are laughing at me. I said to Tracy though "What if they catch my eyes and think I am some weirdo looking at them?". The response she had was to just smile at them. I also need to rate how much I believed they were laughing at me in a percentage.
It would appear that the jam is not happening now and so I am going to play some guitar on my own for a little while. I think after that I am going to tear my mind up in War and Peace.
I hope she is ok.
Musings of a not so terrified man
Waking up and listening to Swallow the sun may not be the greatest idea in the world but so far the new album is suitably empty.
I'm filling out my panic diary for the past week and it is apparent it has reduced dramatically. I'm really happy about this and finally seeing progress in something that has been ruining my life for so long is great. I have my appointment at half two and no doubt more techniques will be discussed. I really did not think I would notice a difference so quickly.
On a completely different note, I am sick of the snow! I want to go for a run but there is the fear I will slip and end up head on the floor with a broken neck. It's stopping me cycling as well which is really annoying! After I have been for the counselling I plan on going to a friends to put some bass to the guitar. The only problem with this is that his view on my situation and the people involved is beginning to anger me. I don't know why he thinks he has the right to say the things the does but anyway, that will be my day.
One last thing, this film is incredibly weird. It takes avent garde to a new level
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/holy_mountain/
I'm filling out my panic diary for the past week and it is apparent it has reduced dramatically. I'm really happy about this and finally seeing progress in something that has been ruining my life for so long is great. I have my appointment at half two and no doubt more techniques will be discussed. I really did not think I would notice a difference so quickly.
On a completely different note, I am sick of the snow! I want to go for a run but there is the fear I will slip and end up head on the floor with a broken neck. It's stopping me cycling as well which is really annoying! After I have been for the counselling I plan on going to a friends to put some bass to the guitar. The only problem with this is that his view on my situation and the people involved is beginning to anger me. I don't know why he thinks he has the right to say the things the does but anyway, that will be my day.
One last thing, this film is incredibly weird. It takes avent garde to a new level
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/holy_mountain/
Cathartic activities.
The past few days have been spent deep in creative activities and discussion. This has brought me to the conclusion that I can in no way lead a life in which creativity does not have a large part in. A good eight hours with a guitar in hand has led to a disturbingly dismal nine minute epic in which a friend described when listening as "So sad I want to slide out the window onto the floor. It sounds like being face down in shit and concrete" Everything and more that I wanted to achieve.
The song combines the atmospheric Black Metal of modern day with slow, crushing sludge to break up the pace. I'm very excited about this song. Playing something that makes you grit your teeth to the point of being in pain is actually quite a pleasant experience.
I have left a previous project to work on this new 'grim' black metal project. I, and no doubt any other kind of artistic person, believe that music can only be created from the emotions at heart; if you are feeling terrible then channel this into something positive. A friend also recommended I add a producer on Facebook who has experience in producing Black metal/doom projects and is part of bands such as Oakenshield, Termination and Bong Cauldron. He said he would be more than interested to help me and the fact that he has his own studios in Leeds only makes it more exciting.
Song two is also well under way with many riffs being thrown around. As well as expressing myself through music, I have joined my local library and got some books out on acting. It's a hobby that I have always wanted to pursue and I have a friend that really wants to get into film. We plan on writing some short films when we both have the time.
To summarise, creating so much recently is helping me to get through this difficult time. I am in no way better yet but I am slowly starting to heal. The activities mentioned have helped me to push some of the thoughts out of my head but I'm still finding it quite difficult. Each day that goes by is making me feel less scared and alone but my heart continues to grow fonder. My anxiety has somehow just gone recently which is absolutely amazing. I know though that it will never go completely and to continue these sessions. Speaking of which I have one at half two tomorrow. I have lots to talk about and hopefully and improvement will be seen by both me and the therapist.
These times are becoming exciting but I still lack someone.
The song combines the atmospheric Black Metal of modern day with slow, crushing sludge to break up the pace. I'm very excited about this song. Playing something that makes you grit your teeth to the point of being in pain is actually quite a pleasant experience.
I have left a previous project to work on this new 'grim' black metal project. I, and no doubt any other kind of artistic person, believe that music can only be created from the emotions at heart; if you are feeling terrible then channel this into something positive. A friend also recommended I add a producer on Facebook who has experience in producing Black metal/doom projects and is part of bands such as Oakenshield, Termination and Bong Cauldron. He said he would be more than interested to help me and the fact that he has his own studios in Leeds only makes it more exciting.
Song two is also well under way with many riffs being thrown around. As well as expressing myself through music, I have joined my local library and got some books out on acting. It's a hobby that I have always wanted to pursue and I have a friend that really wants to get into film. We plan on writing some short films when we both have the time.
To summarise, creating so much recently is helping me to get through this difficult time. I am in no way better yet but I am slowly starting to heal. The activities mentioned have helped me to push some of the thoughts out of my head but I'm still finding it quite difficult. Each day that goes by is making me feel less scared and alone but my heart continues to grow fonder. My anxiety has somehow just gone recently which is absolutely amazing. I know though that it will never go completely and to continue these sessions. Speaking of which I have one at half two tomorrow. I have lots to talk about and hopefully and improvement will be seen by both me and the therapist.
These times are becoming exciting but I still lack someone.
Tuesday, 24 January 2012
Drawing sprites is hard!
I started today off playing the magnificent Super Mario 64! After playing this I decided that I would really like to have a go at making a game myself. Using the Game Maker 8.1 software I have attempted to make a video game. Having barely any experience in programming, Game Maker really helps as it replaces a lot of the coding with simple logic equations. A few hours were spent creating floor and wall tiles for my game which were fairly simple but alas, I came to a grounding halt when it came to drawing sprites for my game. There is a mountainous problem that I have to overcome before I can get any further; I cannot draw. After spending several gruelling hours trying to draw a sprite I gave up and resorted to reading tutorials on the internet. These still did not help and I resorted to pencil and paper to try and draw a character concept. Here are some of the doodles:
An introduction
I have not wrote properly for a long time so I apologise for my terrible writing. This blog documents my day to day activities and how I have been feeling. It is mainly for me to see how I am spending my days. If you have stumbled across this page then I hope that there is something of interest for you :)
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